The ‘Second Mountain’ by David Brooks: How Relational Living Leads to a Fulfilling Life
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Reading time: 9 minutes
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Exploring The Second Mountain: A Path to a Fulfilling, Relational Life
In today’s post, we’ll dive into powerful insights from David Brooks’s bestseller, ‘The Second Mountain: The Quest for a Moral Life’. This book explores the journey from individualism to community-oriented living, emphasizing deeper purpose, fulfillment, and commitment to others. It is an attempt to break free from our hyper-individualistic society, which ultimately leads to loneliness and social isolation, and instead fosters a society that fully embraces relationalism. But what exactly is relationalism, and what does the author mean by a second mountain in the book’s title?
What Is Relationalism? Shifting from Individualism to Connection
Relationalism is a worldview that emphasizes the importance of relationships, community, and mutual dependency in our lives. Unlike individualism, which emphasizes autonomy and personal success, relationalism focuses on how people are inherently interconnected. Relationalism argues that one’s identity, values, and sense of purpose are deeply determined by relationships–family, friends, community, or spiritual or religious connections.
Understanding the First and Second Mountains: A New Approach to Life Philosophy
The mountain analogy is the author’s attempt to describe the contrast between two different moral worldviews. The first mountain is the individualist worldview, which normally focuses on the desires of the ego, and is fully focused on the attainment of status through personal achievements. The author argues that we have placed far too much focus on this first mountain–the mountain most of us start climbing by default–and that by perceiving ourselves as autonomous selves we are leading our society to division and tribalism. In contrast, the second mountain embodies a relationalist worldview that values relationships, commitments, and the core desires of the heart and soul. In many cases, people stop pursuing the first mountain after some hurtful failure, during intense times of suffering, or after periods of grief. Whatever the exact mechanism, individuals decide rationally to turn their back on the first mountain they were conditioned to climb, and turn their full attention to “the second mountain”, which offers a more enduring and deeply fulfilling sense of meaning—a journey that not only nurtures the soul but also creates a legacy of connection and generosity.
Why a Society Focused on Relationships Offers Greater Fulfillment
Modern society’s emphasis on personal achievement and material success often leaves us feeling isolated, unfulfilled, and disconnected from each other. David Brooks encourages readers to build lives focused on deep relational commitments and enduring connections. By shifting the focus from individual pursuits to relationships and communal responsibilities and commitments, the author suggests people will find a more enduring sense of joy and purpose in their lives.
The author alerts that we are experiencing an ongoing societal transition, where the social fabric of today’s highly individualistic society is slowly breaking down before us. Society members are left feeling vulnerable and alone–many even reference a loneliness epidemic. For many, the instinctive reaction under these circumstances is to ‘revert to the tribe’. However, this is not the answer, since tribalism–marked by an intense loyalty to one’s in-group identity, often defined in opposition to outsiders, and fostering distrust and hostility toward other groups––fosters societal division and can lead to conflict between groups. Transitioning away from a society celebrating the excesses of individualism to tribalism could leave us in a darker place.
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In today’s post, we will focus instead on highlighting some of the interesting aspects of relationalism, an alternative to both hyper-individualism and tribalism. Although Brooks’s philosophy of life is discussed throughout the book from different angles, he provides a useful summary towards the end of the book in the form of a manifesto. This book is packed with interesting insights that go beyond relationalism and are relevant to our blog’s readers. In future posts we will continue to unpack other powerful ideas related to managing ego, cultivating happiness, finding meaning, and understanding work.
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Powerful Takeaways from The Second Mountain on Purpose, Happiness, and Relationships
Understanding Hyper-Individualism and Its Consequences, Including Tribalism
According to Brooks, there is always a back and forth in history between self and society. During some periods, the pressure of the group becomes too oppressive and crushes the self, leaving individuals feeling in desperate need to break free and express their individuality. In contrast, today, we find ourselves on the other side of the pendulum, with most modern societies characterized by a weak collective and an inflated self. Today’s hyper-individualism is based on the idea that the journey through life is largely an individual one, and that the goals of life are individual happiness, authenticity, self-actualization, and self-sufficiency.
However, this excess of individualism has slowly eroded our obligations and responsibilities towards each other. The unfolding crisis of solidarity has resulted in high levels of social isolation, distrust, and polarization. It has seen, according to Brooks, the breakdown of family structure and the loss of community, and has given rise to tribalism–referred to in the book as ‘the dark twin of community’. Other clear symptoms of today’s hyper-individualism are rising suicide rates, increasing mental health problems, and a widespread crisis in finding both personal meaning and a sense of purpose.
According to the author, the problem with buying into hyper-individualism is that it ultimately leads to the degradation of the human person. Most of us find ourselves by default chasing after the desires of the ego–the desire to make a mark on the world, and the desire for wealth, power, or status. However, we are ignoring at our own peril the longings of the heart and soul, which are to live in loving interdependence with others, the wish to live in service of some ideal, and the yearning to surrender to a greater good. Eventually, embracing hyper-individualism numbs these longings and creates isolated individuals who sense something is missing in their lives but can’t quite name what is wrong.
A hyper-individualist finds herself immersed in a network of conditional love: I am only worthy of love when I have achieved the status or success the world expects of me. Brooks argues that this extreme individualism and conditionality breaks any emotional and spiritual security, leaving individuals extremely sensitive to the judgements of others and quick to take offence when they feel slighted. Needless to say, going down this path will lead to a deeply unsatisfying life. In the best of cases, embracing hyper-individualism may allow one to experience a series of pleasant moments, but unfortunately none of these will aggregate into anything meaningful because they are not serving a larger cause. Many people become insecure overachievers; deep down they seek to win love, admiration, and respect through achievements, but of course this does not provide them with the lasting love that they ultimately crave. According to Brooks, a person who does not commit to some loyalty outside of the self will not leave a deep mark in the world.
How hyper-individualism fosters tribalism and social divides. Since individuals don’t want to lead unsatisfying lives, many eventually rebel against the resulting isolation and meaninglessnes by joining a partisan tribe. On the surface, it may seem relational, but it is, in fact, the opposite–the relationist mentality is built on mutual affection and trust, while tribalism is built on mutual distrust–it is always us versus them. The tribalist seeks connection, but ultimately isolates himself even further into resentment, fear, and distrust. As we are reminded by the Dalai Lama, fear leads to anxiety, frustration, and, in extreme cases, violence.
How Embracing Relationalism as a Philosophy of Connection Transforms Lives
David Brooks urges society to adopt a narrative that prioritizes relationships—not the individual—as central to fulfillment to convey a truth we all know deep down: that we are formed and nourished by our connections with others, and that life should be a shared journey. While the hyper-individualist sees society as a collection of individuals who contract with each other, the relationalist sees society as a web of connections, where each person represents a node in a network, a personality in movement with others.
When we are children, our emotional and spiritual foundations are shaped by the unconditional love of caring adults. This, according to Brooks, demonstrates that ‘we’ has always preceded ‘me.’ Life is a qualitative journey, rather than a quantitative one, and it should be measured not by our personal achievements alone but by the depth and quality of our relationships and the dedication we bring to those connections. Our best life will be guided by a commitment to a range of meaningful bonds and commitments, whether to a vocation, a family, a life philosophy, a faith, or a community. These commitments are ultimately the anchor points that give our lives the greatest sense of meaning.
The author’s proposed life philosphy–relationalism–offers a balanced middle ground between hyper-individualism and collectivism. Instead of viewing life as solely self-directed or as entirely focused in the group, someone embracing relationalism sees each person as a vital node within a rich web of connections. When the hyper-individualist operates with the mindset "I make myself strong when I get what I want", the relationalist draws strength from surrendering to something greater than the self–vocation, family, life philosophy, faith, and community. By prioritizing connection and mutual commitment over individual gain, the relationalist acknowledges that her greatest fulfillment lies not in independence but in the shared journey of life.
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The Process of Becoming a Person: Moving from Self to Service
The main journey of modern life is therefore to transition from self to service. Most of us go through the initial stages of adulthood by listening to the default settings of our ego. With time though–as we slowly recognize the first mountain climb to be unfulfilling–we gradually learn to listen to the higher callings of the heart and the soul. According to Brooks, the heart is the piece of us that longs for connection with others, while the soul is the part of us that gives each person infinite dignity and worth.
Children are born with all three components–ego, heart, and soul–on full display, but around adolescence the ego begins to swell and the heart and soul to recede. This results in part from society’s conditioning, and is also a natural process: at this age, people need to establish their identity, to carve out a self. In parallel though, most societies are telling boys to bury their emotions to become men, and suggesting girls to not reveal their true depth for fear of being disliked. Little by little, the balance of the three components changes until the ego has completely taken over, leaving us inarticulate about the deeper longings of the heart and soul.
Eventually, reality hits though, and people start to realize something is missing in their self-interested lives. Even those achieving worldly success find their accomplishments somehow anti-climatic and unsatisfying. For many, it is a period of perceived failure, suffering, or grief that “breaks the crust” to reveal again their deeper nature. At this turning point, many realize that “only emotional, moral, and spiritual food can provide the nourishment they crave”.
This transformation is a staged rebellion against the excesses of individualism. Society conditions you to want independence, but you now want interdependence; society encourages you to cultivate the self-interested side of you; but you want to cultivate as many dimensions as possible of your self. According to Brooks, a life well lived is only possible when you manage to live with your whole self. A relationalist becomes more communal where the world is too individual, more emotional when the world is too individual, and moral when the world is too utilitarian.
Defining the Good Life Through Commitments and Relationships
When a person has found her calling in life, it doesn’t feel like she has taken control, it is more like surrendering control. The most creative actions are those made in response to a summons. Summons can come in the form of love–falling in love with your child, wife, neighbourhood, or God. With this love comes an urge to make promises: I will always be there for you, I will always serve you. Summons can also come in the form of need, for example, of fixing some injustice or societal wrong. In this case, a person then takes on this responsibility and makes a promise to fight a specific fight to right some wrong.
When a summons is felt and a promise made, a commitment has been sealed. The key feature of a commitment is that it is a promise made without expecting anything in return–a difficult concept to surrender for those caught up in the hyper-individualistic society. The life of a person embracing relationalism is defined by their collection of commitments, and the quality of their life will be defined by what those commitments are and how they are fulfilled.
A relationalist prioritizes those actions that deepen commitment, build relations, and enhance human dignity. According to Brooks, the effort to fight the utilitarian lens and see life through a relationalist perspective and a moral lens is a never-ending struggle–the ego is always at odds with the desires of the heart and soul. Although it is challenging to find the right balance with these three components, the relational life ultimately brings joy, as it is woven through genuine affection and guided by a sense of fulfillment that brings lasting peace and purpose.
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This book comes fully packed with interesting insights. In today’s post we focused on highlighting some of the interesting aspects of Brook’s proposed philosophy–relationalism–as presented towards the end of his book in the form of a manifesto. In future posts, we will continue to unpack other powerful ideas related to ego, happiness, meaning, or work. Stay tuned!
*Affiliate link: If you enjoy our content, consider purchasing your book through our link. We earn a small commission, which helps support the blog. In addition, 10% of all revenue generated is donated to charitable causes.
Enjoyed this post? Don’t miss our post on the Dalai Lama’s 50 insights on happiness and a joyous life or 8 causes of unhappiness according to Bertrand Russell.
